xXx: The Return of Xander Cage (2017)

(Make sure you read this one all the way to the end or you’ll miss my point!)

• Directed by D. J. Caruso
• Starring Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, Toni Collette
• Written by Rich Wilkes
• Action
• Rated PG-13
• 107 mins.
• Released 20 January 2017

Synopsis

In the third installment of the xXx trilogy, as the title says, this one is about the return of legendary Xander Cage, the man who was the beginning of the xXx spy program for the government. There is a terrorist out there who stole a device called ‘Pandoras Box’ which gives whoever holds it the ability to drop satellites out of the sky onto any target they choose. The NSA seek out Xander Cage after the death of his former handler Augustus Gibbons in hopes he can find the box and save the day.

How’s the Story?

The plot is paper-thin and absolutely contrived. There is so much about this movie that is absolutely ridiculous and against the rules of physics. There is very little actual information given and there is basically no point to most of the story line.

How’s the Acting?

The acting isn’t bad because it’s minimal. Every actor is playing “Dare Devil Action Hero #1-7” so there isn’t really a bad way to act these parts. They are what they are and most anybody could deliver a convincing performance of every character here.

How’s the Writing/Directing?

The dialogue is absolutely ridiculous and cheesy at best and the directing is mostly stunt coordination. There’s definitely no threat of this film winning a Best Director award anytime soon.

How’s the Cinematography?

Some of the CGI is iffy and most of the sets are very basic. There’s basically only a few actual locations, but it isn’t terrible. Standard cinematography overall.

Is It Worth Watching?

ABSOLUTELY! In spite of ALL of those negative things listed above, this movie is one you should not miss for ANY REASON.

Why do I think that? Because it’s FUN. I had a smile on my face for 2/3rds of this film. It’s ridiculous fun. If you are expecting a serious film, HA, you picked the wrong movie, but as a huge fan of xXx and of stupid fun action films throughout history, I loved this movie so much! The action is over the top and literally impossible but it’s so fun. Nothing is better than skiing through the jungle except maybe dirt-biking over the fucking ocean! This movie was just such a good time. Xander Cage is Xander Cage and that’s why we love him. Donnie Yen was doing what Donnie Yen does best, kick-ass action scenes.

Also, if we’re going to talk about eye-candy, every person in this movie was pretty damn attractive. You have crazy buff dudes and crazy sexy ladies and there are no words for how big my crush on Ruby Rose is. I mean, she could’ve just been on the camera looking through that gun scope for house and I’d be enthralled. And on the topic of sexy ladies, I loved how the women in this film were treated. No sexist bullshit, there’s a sexy butch lady, a sexy femme lady, a sexy nerdy lady, and a sexy bitch lady, and all of them did shit cause they were good at it, not because some guy let them. It may not be Mad Max: Fury Road levels of feminism, but it’s a damn good film for a feminist to watch and not be horribly offended by.

And all the cameos from sports people! I saw some Extreme Sports people like Nyjah Huston, and then there was NEYMAR! I had no idea Neymar was in this movie until he appeared on screen. Talk about a squee moment!

If you have heard shit about this movie, I guarantee you it was people who expected a serious movie and wasn’t going into it expecting xXx. Like I told someone on twitter, the negative reviews were, “This movie is ridiculous, it’s TERRIBLE!’ and the positive reviews were, “This movie is ridiculous, it’s GREAT!” which really says it all.

My Rating: 6/10