Since I never wrote a Rogue One review and it’s not been long enough I don’t think I could write a fair one, I had a twitter poll regarding potentially posting my list of Star Wars films ranked and as you can see, “Yes!” won:
We’ll pretend that someone didn’t vote for my joking third option….
So, here it comes! And oh boy, do I expect some hate mail for this one!
#8 Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones
Let’s just be honest, the prequels weren’t amazing, but the worst BY FAR was Attack of the Clones. Not only was this movie MONUMENTALLY boring, the writing is reaaaaally bad. There are lines that are just jarringly horrible in this one, buddy. And the acting. It’s really alarming that two of the best actors alive, Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman, were so poorly directed that they sucked worse than I would have ever imagined. And it wasn’t just some ‘oh they were young’, no, these movies came out AFTER some of my favorite Ewan McGregor films and he was amazing in those. This movie is just astoundingly bad. It has basically no conflict, it’s long and dull, and it’s got shitty writing, acting, and direction.
My Rating: 4/10
#7 Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace
While The Phantom Menace isn’t at all good, it’s at least less sucky than it’s successor. This one has a story, at least. It’s decently entertaining, and wouldn’t actually be all that bad if it wasn’t for the direction, again, making Liam Neeson somehow dull. Honestly, how is that even possible? Also this kid is just so annoying. I think I read somewhere he grew up to be a drug dealer or something, but that kid playing Anakin is SO ANNOYING. He’s just obnoxious. This story isn’t the best, but it’s not totally shit. Also, I’ll never get the Jar-Jar haters because, while he’s not good, he’s not bad either. He’s just there. Who cares either way, to be honest. This film is just average levels of bad, not monumentally shit like the worst Star Wars film.
My Rating: 5/10
#6 Star Wars: Episode VI – Return of the Jedi
This may be where I start to lose you guys, but LET ME EXPLAIN! This movie is like someone took everything great in Empire and made it shit. I hate the entire Jabba’s Lair scene. It’s so stupid and irrelevant to anything. Basically the whole first half of this movie sucks. The Ewoks are cute but totally ridiculous. Jedi is basically ‘bad’ good. Where it’s stupid but amusing. Also, Harrison Ford seems like he literally doesn’t give a flying fart in space about anything in this movie. Basically, until you get to the very end, this movie is bad. The end is great, but until then, it blows. Sorry. I just really hate the first half of this movie and, because of that, I can’t put it any higher than this.
My Rating: 6/10
#5 Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
Don’t get me wrong, this movie is VERY flawed, but compared to the other prequels, this one is actually not that bad. Revenge has a plot that’s entirely coherent, unlike Phantom and Clones. The writing is still a little iffy, and Anakin’s performance is still pretty ‘meh’, but the writing is better and both Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman’s acting is better, suggesting better direction. This isn’t a bad movie and, unlike the first two prequels, this one actually evokes some real emotions. I’m fairly certain, “You were my brother. I loved you!” stuck with everybody for a while. Poor ol’ Obi-Wan. I actually kinda like this movie, and not in a ‘comically bad’ way. It has weak points and plot holes, but it’s still more coherent and complete of a movie than the previous ones on this list.
My Rating: 6/10
#4 Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
While there are a lot of haters to this film, and while it admittedly isn’t without flaws, I love this movie. I disagree with all the claims that the characters are too underdeveloped to make you care about them, I disagree with the claims that the story is too weak, and I ABSOLUTELY detest the claims that Jyn ‘undoes’ the feminist success of Rey in Force Awakens. That is utter garbage and I would actually fight whoever says that. Anyways! I think this movie does an amazing job amassing so many characters and still giving you a look into who they are and what their purpose in this quest is. I really think the acting here is amazing, and it’s the only Star Wars movie apart from Revenge that made me cry. This is a film where the story is the main point and the characters are individuals, yes, but this isn’t their story, this is still, realistically, the characters of the main Star Wars film’s story, they just aren’t the ones telling it because it hasn’t come to their involvement yet. Anyways, I digress, but basically, I loved this movie. It’s amazing. Haters can suck it!
My Rating: 8/10
#3 Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
Probably the worst thing about the original Star Wars is this poster. Holy crap, look how bad that is? ha! Really, though, this movie is a good movie. The weakest thing about this entire movie is easily Luke’s character’s writing, but he’s not bad at all. He’s still good and everybody else is, too. This is a good, solid movie. I really love this film and, even though you’re not as attached to the characters as you are in Empire, the emotional impact in this one is still very good. It’s a movie that everybody knows and loves and you can’t go wrong with this.
My Rating: 8/10
#2 Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back
This is probably where I just lost the rest of you, because you see this isn’t #1 and you’re ready to set me on fire, but before you do that, I LOVE THIS MOVIE! You have Hoth, and Yoda in Dagobah, Boba Fett, Lando in Cloud City, Vader and Luke’s fight in the thing, the big reveal he’s his father… this movie is just CHOCK FULL of plot and it’s so well balanced. It’s just so good. Empire is just such a good movie. I love it insane amounts and just because it isn’t #1 for me doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s by far one of the best films of all times.
My Rating: 8/10
#1 Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Let me explain to you why The Force Awakens is the best Star Wars film to me: I feel more attachment to Rey than I do any of the other characters from either the originals or the prequels. Maybe it’s because she’s a girl like me, I can’t flat out say that isn’t possibly a factor, but mostly I think it’s because when we meet her, she’s a lonely girl who has been by herself since she was a child, and all she wants is somebody to come back and get her. Then we have Finn, who has been trained all his life (that he knows of) to be a good soldier and yet the good in his heart wins out over all he has ever known, and the goodness in him feels more real than anybody else. And then, at the end, he comes back for Rey, he does the one thing she’s always wanted, and that story arc which is so minor just resonates so intensely in me. She’s the first friend he ever had and he’s the first person to ever come back for her and their friendship is more impacting emotionally than any of the other films.
Also, there is a large segment of people who are all ‘ha, Kylo Ren is a little bitch’ and yeah, he is, but he’s also WAY fucking scarier than Darth Vader when you think about it. No, he’s not nearly as intimidating, but whereas Darth Vader was a good person who was weak and has a tragic backstory that explains why he went evil and he went good in his last moments, Kylo Ren wants to be evil. He doesn’t think he’s doing what’s best, he flat out knows he’s bad and he actively fights against any good in his soul to be evil for the sake of being evil. He wants power and understands he’s blackening his soul to get it. And I don’t care who you are, that’s freaking scary. This dude is one of the scariest bad guys in anything I’ve seen because he’s bad just for the sake of wanting to be bad. And that’s soooo fun and so refreshing. There’s no redemption coming for him, there’s no ‘unwrap his tragic past’, this guy is just evil and it’s very cool, in my opinion.
I could give so many more reasons for why this movie is the best to me, but the main points are Rey’s character, Finn’s character, their story arc, and Kylo Ren’s refreshing bad-cause-I-can-ness.
My Rating: 9/10
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! You can direct your hate to the comments section or my twitter. Have at it! (Please don’t actually try to kill me, though)